Narcissism

Are you a narcissist?

My daughter and I were discussing this the other day. She is taking psychology classes and she often shares with me. I think we are all narcissistic to a degree, it’s when it gets out of hand that it is dangerous. I also think that if we look back through our lives and friendships, we can identify who has or had these characteristics. I found it astonishing at first. Then I was able to see how several of my friends, past and present, fit into the category. I did a little googling to find this info but I think it can be useful.
After reading quite a bit about this, the only way to get away from a narcissistic person is to just not have any contact with them ever again.

This was from one site I read:
How do you get a narcissist to leave you alone?
Leave them alone and ask God to protect you from them.

~~Does the following describe anyone you know?? Does any of this sound familiar to you?? Once you recognize the characteristics, it's almost like it jumps out at you and you say "that's it, now I finally understand"!!! And you know what?? It is so liberating to finally know and then know how to react to it!!

Someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of the following characteristics:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4.requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Here are some more signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder to look out for:

* Jealousy and possessiveness
* Excessive need to feel special, adored, loved, appreciated, or admired
* Rage attacks when you do not sufficiently meet his/her needs
* Controlling behaviors (trying to control how you spend your time, who you talk to, how you dress, etc.)
* Inflated self-esteem, or grandiosity (bragging, "fishing" for compliments)
* Dramatic, insecure behaviors
* Expecting you to take responsibility for making him/her feel better about him/herself
* Blaming you for behaviors or feelings (i.e., "YOU made me do this," or "YOU made me feel this way.")
* Not taking responsibility for angry behavior and justifying angry outbursts
* An attitude that demonstrates "the world revolves around me" and "you need to cater to my ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings."
* An unwillingness to reflect on his/her own behaviors

A list of words to describe a Narcissist:

Charming, arrogant, snob, name dropper, shallow, sly, self serving, assertive, socially poised, confident, hero, hero worshiper, bully, actor, verbose, cliquish, controlling, stud, vamp, God's gift to women or men, born leader, brain, charismatic, conniving, convincing, living in fantasy world, pathological liar, vain, superior, arrogant, brash, ego centric, unpleasant, condescending, power-seeking, devious, patronizing, nasty spoiled kid, impeccable manners, offish, driven, innovative, disruptive, jealous, clannish, cliquish, gossipy, best friend, worst enemy, effusive, complimentary, critical, back stabbing, selfish, self centered, self important, spotlight hog, always talks about them self, ignores other people's feelings, know it all, bully, liar, manipulator, always right, never apologizes, never acts grow up, Peter Pan, spoiled, child like, cold, effusive, intelligent, loves to talk about themselves, wants to be center of attention, wants the best office etc, Drama Queen, King Pin, has to keep up with the Jones, has to have latest or biggest or most expensive thing to impress others, romantic, cold hearted, hyper-sexual, not interested in sex, sadistic, unemotional, over reacts, angry, yells, screams, demands immediate recognition and service, preferential treatment, throws tantrums, over bearing, can switch from being super nice to nasty in a second, acts like a queen or princess if a woman, or like a super macho if a man, Fame junkies. They are obsessed with the fantasy of unlimited success, power, brilliance and ideal love and beauty. They only associated with important people. They lack affect, they often look into mirrors...

Narcissistic personality disorder: SPECIAL (5 criteria).

S: Special (believes he or she is special and unique)
P: Preoccupied with fantasies (of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love)
E: Entitlement
C: Conceited (grandiose sense of self-importance)
I: Interpersonal exploitation
A: Arrogant (haughty)
L: Lacks empathy

The stages of feeling victims experience.

1) The Roadkill Stage

This is when you finally hit bottom due to the experience with a Narcissist.

2) The Realization Stage

This is when the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you begin to get answered and you now know what it is you have been dealing with all this time. You begin to research everything you can find on Narcissism. You usually feel better that you know, but the sense of betrayal begins to hit you like a Mack truck. Unfortunately, you start to feel angry at yourself for letting it go on for so long.

3) The Anger Stage

This is when the full impact of what you went through hits home and all hell breaks loose! Anger is uncomfortable, but I think it is a necessary step towards healing. At first, it is like an erupting volcano, then it usually evolves in focusing on how to get through. If you don't let as much of the anger out at this stage, you will stay stuck for a longer period of time.

4) Taking Affirmative Action Stage

This is when you begin to learn to effectively focus your new-found knowledge into making life decisions. This is also the period where you begin to learn and practice techniques on how to protect yourself from the Narcissist. This is the stage where some decide on divorce, relocating, changing jobs, and lifestyle changes. This is also a time of great upheaval, because the Narcissist usually knows that the "gig is up" The Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to win. This is a crucial stage in healing, because it is at this stage that the Narcissist will also try to "put on the charm" to return you to status quo. The Narcissist can be very vicious at this stage. It is usually best to have as little contact as possible with the Narcissist. It is also the time to continue to learn about how to continue to protect yourself and continue to focus on you and your healing.

5) The Fall-Out Stage

This is when you become more comfortable in your knowledge of how to deal with the Narcissist, where you begin to forgive yourself, where you begin to feel better about yourself and your abilities. You are actively planning your future, getting to know yourself again, and you notice how much better physically and emotionally you feel out of the presence of the Narcissist. The fog of Narcissism has lifted somewhat and you begin to get your confidence back. While this is happening, you are still experiencing the waves of the past stages, it seems to come in cycles that diminish in intensity over time.

6) The Mirroring Stage

Not everyone goes through this stage, it is a personal decision. This is when you mirror the Narcissists behavior back at them, effectively scaring them off! I was particularly fond of this stage, because it allowed me to siphon off the anger and project it back to the person who caused it. It is effective in scaring off the Narcissist, but sometimes it takes many sessions of "mirroring" before the stubborn Narcissist finally "gets it". Unfortunately for many victims, many Narcissists aren't willing to accept that it is OVER and continually try to get back under the victims skin using guilt, fear, pity, threats, violence and financial abuse. Many Narcissists keep "coming back for more NS."

Depending on how you handle the Narcissist in this stage, it will depend on how long this stage lasts. If you, even for a moment give the Narcissist ANY NS at all, show any vulnerability, sympathy, fear, or confusion, it will put you back a few stages and you will have to work your way through again. This cycle can happen many times.

7) Realization and Apathy

Once you effectively block all means of communication with the Narcissist as efficiently as possible, protect yourself from them as much as you can, gain knowledge and confidence in yourself, you reach a stage of realization that there was nothing you could have done to help or prevent the nightmare that you just lived through. You start looking for effective ways to manage your life, work towards your new future and close the door in the face of the Narcissist. The most effective way that I have found to do this is with APATHY. Apathy works. It requires very little work on your part. You display no outward emotions towards the Narcissist, who seems to forever be trying to re-enter your life for the coveted NS, you yawn frequently whenever they have something to say, you outright IGNORE their existence as if they died.

Eventually, in a sense they do die, because without your attention, without your sympathy, without your guilt, without your adoration, without your anger, and without your fear, they do wither away and die. If there is nothing for them to affirm their existence through you, and they cannot exist around you. It is not to say that they won't try. They want to be able to evoke an emotional response in you. If you don't give them any, then eventually, like Pavlov's dog they figure out the bowl is empty and move on to the next victim. This stage can take some time, because as we know, the Narcissist does not give up on precious supply sources easily.


What is the difference between criticism from a friend or colleague and a Narcissist's attack? Most people who want to help you, who care for you, will be polite and broach the subject of an injury or insult with care. A Narcissist doesn't want to warn you, because they don't want you to be prepared, they go for the jugular, jumping on whatever insult they feel you have given them, not letting you explain or prepare a defense. They are not 'polite' though they will protest they are the most polite people in the word; their actions give them away.

The attack of a Narcissist is usually unexpected, abrupt and blind sides you. At some time in the past or present they have been humiliated by something you said, the way you looked at them or even by your achievements (this can be how you look, your house, your vacation and even your intelligence). They keep grievances for a long time, letting them simmer and then springing it on you when you least expect it, or when you are unprepared. (The most telling time this takes place is during the reading of the will, when you find out what you did when you were 6 years old that peeve them.)

You have to play court to them, pay attention to them, compliment them - they perceive you as a source of narcissistic supply/attention. If not they will make you pay. They keep a list of insults, slights, things you did or didn't do, and when they think you are weak and vulnerable, they will attack you. They are cowards, so don't expect a honest dialog, instead they will vent their spleen on you, threaten you and make you apologize to them.

You have several choices; you can excuse yourself gracefully, putting them at a disadvantage in the sense that you are noble and open minded compared to them, but it also makes you look weak in their eyes, so be careful how you do this. This diffuses the situation, and it makes you aware that you are dealing with a Narcissist - read the rest of this site for more information.

You can deny everything, because most of it makes no sense to you anyway, being a childish rant. This will probably make them angrier, because you are denying their view point, their mad outlook at life.

Or you can counter attack. The last strategy works only if you know about the N attack before hand. They want you to be unprepared and vulnerable, so that their attack works. If you provoke them on purpose make sure you have lots of facts, figures and witnesses. They will never forgive you for besting them. A narcissist will only allow someone they admire to criticize them. Narcissists will never attack someone they admire - it would be like attack themselves as they project their fantasies onto their hero/mirror. Only when their hero falls into disgrace will you hear them criticize their hero.

After the Narcissists attack you may feel horrible, physically abused, because they have taken all the trash in their minds, and dumped it on you. Projecting and transference. Think of a childish tantrum. If you can laugh about the attack, then you are OK. Narcissists make you develop good boundaries and defenses. If you let them get to you, let their words, insults and accusations become more and more real and logical, then they have won. They are trying to instill in you an introject; i.e. doubt, fear and self loathing.

The best thing to do is to laugh at them, in private, because they hate to be ridiculed in public. Think of the tale of the Emperor's new cloths, think also of what the story never tells you, what happened to the little boy? Was he beheaded like critics who peeved the queen in Alice in Wonderland? Narcissists hate to be put on the spot but they love putting others on the spot. They are playing a game, because they are not really hurt, they are protecting their mirror image that they admire, and that you some how tarnished.

Remember, they have no real feelings, it is all an act. They are not 'hurt', their image is damaged. They have no feelings, because if they did they would care about your feelings, which is obvious they don't based on why they attacked you in the first place..